Comments for Co-Parenting 101 http://coparenting101.org Successful parenting...after divorce. Fri, 21 Nov 2008 17:29:45 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 Comment on In Australia, co-parenting is legally mandated by admin http://coparenting101.org/2008/11/10/in-australia-co-parenting-is-legally-mandated/#comment-80 admin Tue, 11 Nov 2008 01:19:14 +0000 http://coparenting101.org/?p=146#comment-80 Shivers, Thanks so much for stopping by and giving us the real deal about what's happening in Australia. Thanks too for the heads up on the Rhoades article. ~Deesha Shivers,

Thanks so much for stopping by and giving us the real deal about what’s happening in Australia. Thanks too for the heads up on the Rhoades article.

~Deesha

]]> Comment on In Australia, co-parenting is legally mandated by shivers http://coparenting101.org/2008/11/10/in-australia-co-parenting-is-legally-mandated/#comment-79 shivers Mon, 10 Nov 2008 23:38:20 +0000 http://coparenting101.org/?p=146#comment-79 sorry, I sent the wrong email with that last post, this post has the correct email address attached. sorry, I sent the wrong email with that last post, this post has the correct email address attached.

]]> Comment on In Australia, co-parenting is legally mandated by shivers http://coparenting101.org/2008/11/10/in-australia-co-parenting-is-legally-mandated/#comment-78 shivers Mon, 10 Nov 2008 23:37:39 +0000 http://coparenting101.org/?p=146#comment-78 In my experience the new mediation centres and the shared parenting plan has worked excellently, even though I left due to abuse issues. Except we don't share parent 50/50, he has our daughter 2 nights per week and is not interested in doing more. I call it share parenting though because despite his controlling behaviours while we were together, he's stopped doing it now that we're apart. To say that 50/50 shared parenting does not apply to where there is a history of abuse and violence is not strictly true. The mandated 50/50 still applies, and they have to rule that out first before mandating anything less, which means that abuse and/or violence has to be proved beyond a reasonable doubt in the family court. The truth is that for most separating parents they come to their own amicable agreement and many don't even know about the change to 50/50, so for them, the change to the law wasn't relevant. Then there's the fathers groups that pushed for the 50/50 shared parenting arrangement, where even they stated that a majority of men would not even be able to uptake of the 50/50 due to working commitments. That leaves those that split due to violence (approx 42% of all separations) and/or abuse stuck with a possible 50/50 arrangement where it is definately NOT in the best interests of the child. So, in effect, the law assisted those who use control, coercion, power and domination in their relationship to continue after the relationship has broken down. There is an excellent report by Helen Rhoades 'Yearning for Law: Father's Groups and Family Law Reform in Australia, 10/10/2006 Hart Publishing, that goes into detail how all the research and empirical evidence goes against a 50/50 shared care arrangement. Quoted from page 131, "On some occasions, fathers' groups simply alluded to the existence of empirical support for their position without naming any particular study, suggesting broadly that 'all research available indicates that children require both their mother and their father to become balanced adults', or that 'most countries' have 'found from research studies that it is the sole custody regime that damages children the most'. Fathers bolstered their child welfare claims by telling stories about their own child's desire to live with both parents - or as one father put it, to 'see mum and dad fairly' - and at other times they invoked 'common sense' arguments, implying that the truth of their position was intuitively evident and needed no empirical backup. One submission quoted the following: "You ask a 5 yo child and he will tell you, 'I want mum and dad.' They all will." And it was this rhetoric that received the loudest voice. In my personal case, my 4 year old when I left definately did NOT want to see her Dad, she was actively afraid of him. Since that 2003 enquiry, and even before, there is in fact a reasonable amount of research to show that shared care doesn't have the desired effect that was pushed by the fathers rights groups. It has been almost convincingly found that *quality* time with both parents is what is in the emotional best intersts of the child. Since the 50/50 shared parenting arrangement wasn't necessary in non-warring parents, and since a larger than desired number of fathers aren't interested in being a parent in their childs life (in other words, those that walk away), that leaves those partnerships that suffered under the oppression of family violence and abuse to resort to the courts where 50/50 is to be ruled out before any other ruling can be made. There is building empirical evidence of a cohort of young children that are stuck under this regime and are showing considerable stress. I can't find the report where I read that recently to quote from, but I did read it. I might be able to dig it out if anyone wishes to discuss it further. In my experience the new mediation centres and the shared parenting plan has worked excellently, even though I left due to abuse issues. Except we don’t share parent 50/50, he has our daughter 2 nights per week and is not interested in doing more. I call it share parenting though because despite his controlling behaviours while we were together, he’s stopped doing it now that we’re apart. To say that 50/50 shared parenting does not apply to where there is a history of abuse and violence is not strictly true. The mandated 50/50 still applies, and they have to rule that out first before mandating anything less, which means that abuse and/or violence has to be proved beyond a reasonable doubt in the family court. The truth is that for most separating parents they come to their own amicable agreement and many don’t even know about the change to 50/50, so for them, the change to the law wasn’t relevant. Then there’s the fathers groups that pushed for the 50/50 shared parenting arrangement, where even they stated that a majority of men would not even be able to uptake of the 50/50 due to working commitments. That leaves those that split due to violence (approx 42% of all separations) and/or abuse stuck with a possible 50/50 arrangement where it is definately NOT in the best interests of the child. So, in effect, the law assisted those who use control, coercion, power and domination in their relationship to continue after the relationship has broken down. There is an excellent report by Helen Rhoades ‘Yearning for Law: Father’s Groups and Family Law Reform in Australia, 10/10/2006 Hart Publishing, that goes into detail how all the research and empirical evidence goes against a 50/50 shared care arrangement. Quoted from page 131, “On some occasions, fathers’ groups simply alluded to the existence of empirical support for their position without naming any particular study, suggesting broadly that ‘all research available indicates that children require both their mother and their father to become balanced adults’, or that ‘most countries’ have ‘found from research studies that it is the sole custody regime that damages children the most’. Fathers bolstered their child welfare claims by telling stories about their own child’s desire to live with both parents - or as one father put it, to ’see mum and dad fairly’ - and at other times they invoked ‘common sense’ arguments, implying that the truth of their position was intuitively evident and needed no empirical backup. One submission quoted the following: “You ask a 5 yo child and he will tell you, ‘I want mum and dad.’ They all will.”

And it was this rhetoric that received the loudest voice. In my personal case, my 4 year old when I left definately did NOT want to see her Dad, she was actively afraid of him.

Since that 2003 enquiry, and even before, there is in fact a reasonable amount of research to show that shared care doesn’t have the desired effect that was pushed by the fathers rights groups. It has been almost convincingly found that *quality* time with both parents is what is in the emotional best intersts of the child.

Since the 50/50 shared parenting arrangement wasn’t necessary in non-warring parents, and since a larger than desired number of fathers aren’t interested in being a parent in their childs life (in other words, those that walk away), that leaves those partnerships that suffered under the oppression of family violence and abuse to resort to the courts where 50/50 is to be ruled out before any other ruling can be made.

There is building empirical evidence of a cohort of young children that are stuck under this regime and are showing considerable stress. I can’t find the report where I read that recently to quote from, but I did read it. I might be able to dig it out if anyone wishes to discuss it further.

]]> Comment on Congrats on your engagement! What did your “ex” say? by blkirish http://coparenting101.org/2008/10/26/congrats-on-your-engagement-what-did-your-ex-say/#comment-75 blkirish Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:13:12 +0000 http://coparenting101.org/?p=143#comment-75 Okay I laughed out loud and missed the next two lines after this, " [Me] (Pause.) “I don’t know exactly. I think you are supposed to get crazy. Everybody says so!” It's refreshing to be around you two. You guys have a model and functioning relationship that those of us less fortunate folks that are stuck in our post-divorce drama filled situation-comedy arrangements applaud you! ~cef Okay I laughed out loud and missed the next two lines after this, ”

[Me] (Pause.) “I don’t know exactly. I think you are supposed to get crazy. Everybody says so!”

It’s refreshing to be around you two. You guys have a model and functioning relationship that those of us less fortunate folks that are stuck in our post-divorce drama filled situation-comedy arrangements applaud you!

~cef

]]> Comment on Congrats on your engagement! What did your “ex” say? by Mindy http://coparenting101.org/2008/10/26/congrats-on-your-engagement-what-did-your-ex-say/#comment-74 Mindy Mon, 27 Oct 2008 17:15:26 +0000 http://coparenting101.org/?p=143#comment-74 There IS someone else like that out there! I am so happy you wrote this - it's a perfect distillation of what cooperative, post-divorce parenting could be and how healthy it is for the kids. My ex and I have a very similar arrangement. He appreciates my boyfriend, even likes and respects him (and threw a party for us when we got engaged). Everyone is treated with love and acceptance and respect, and each knows exactly where they stand. The kids, above all, know that if anything, we all want more of everything. Their parents don't dump them on each other, we tell them we wish we had more time, and that we can't wait for them to come back. We have a 50/50 share, two days a week and every other weekend, and my ex lives a mile away. They ride their bikes back and forth. We have both agreed never to move from the area without trying to take the other along, so that the kids won't have to do what I did: travel between parents via airplane. I'm so proud of you and the way you're handling this. We are proof that it can, and should, be done. And at least attempted with the jerks. :) There IS someone else like that out there! I am so happy you wrote this - it’s a perfect distillation of what cooperative, post-divorce parenting could be and how healthy it is for the kids.

My ex and I have a very similar arrangement. He appreciates my boyfriend, even likes and respects him (and threw a party for us when we got engaged). Everyone is treated with love and acceptance and respect, and each knows exactly where they stand.

The kids, above all, know that if anything, we all want more of everything. Their parents don’t dump them on each other, we tell them we wish we had more time, and that we can’t wait for them to come back. We have a 50/50 share, two days a week and every other weekend, and my ex lives a mile away. They ride their bikes back and forth. We have both agreed never to move from the area without trying to take the other along, so that the kids won’t have to do what I did: travel between parents via airplane.

I’m so proud of you and the way you’re handling this. We are proof that it can, and should, be done. And at least attempted with the jerks. :)

]]> Comment on “I never wanted to write this book.” by admin http://coparenting101.org/2008/09/24/i-never-wanted-to-write-this-book/#comment-67 admin Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:06:01 +0000 http://coparenting101.org/?p=134#comment-67 Hey, Mindy...thanks for stopping by. I think you nailed my ambivalence. Alec Baldwin's celebrity shouldn't make his perspective any more or any less valid. I have a harder time with the "less" side of the equation. Hey, Mindy…thanks for stopping by. I think you nailed my ambivalence. Alec Baldwin’s celebrity shouldn’t make his perspective any more or any less valid. I have a harder time with the “less” side of the equation.

]]> Comment on “I never wanted to write this book.” by mindy moak http://coparenting101.org/2008/09/24/i-never-wanted-to-write-this-book/#comment-66 mindy moak Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:07:33 +0000 http://coparenting101.org/?p=134#comment-66 While I do believe that parental alienation has existed for years and years, I just cannot take Alec Baldwin seriously as a victim. It worries me that this real issue can now be adopted and abused by dads or moms looking for a hook of sympathy after taking heat for their own horrific behavior... While I do believe that parental alienation has existed for years and years, I just cannot take Alec Baldwin seriously as a victim. It worries me that this real issue can now be adopted and abused by dads or moms looking for a hook of sympathy after taking heat for their own horrific behavior…

]]> Comment on We are Family by ARP Links at Anti-Racist Parent - for parents committed to raising children with an anti-racist outlook http://coparenting101.org/2008/06/30/we-are-family/#comment-29 ARP Links at Anti-Racist Parent - for parents committed to raising children with an anti-racist outlook Tue, 23 Sep 2008 12:17:21 +0000 http://coparenting101.org/?p=28#comment-29 [...] We hope the articles, essays, and resources herein will be useful to you and your family. We invite you to lurk, comment, ask questions, and share your stories with us. From time to time, we’ll post stories about our co-parenting life as well…like this one. [...] [...] We hope the articles, essays, and resources herein will be useful to you and your family. We invite you to lurk, comment, ask questions, and share your stories with us. From time to time, we’ll post stories about our co-parenting life as well…like this one. [...]

]]> Comment on Gimme a D-, Gimme an A-, Gimme a D- by admin http://coparenting101.org/2008/09/14/gimme-a-d-gimme-an-a-gimme-a-d/#comment-24 admin Mon, 15 Sep 2008 17:38:20 +0000 http://coparenting101.org/?p=113#comment-24 Hi, Rick! Thanks for being the first person (who isn't a friend or loved one that I had to bribe) to comment on this site And thanks for the link-love. Your site was the first on our blogroll, and not just alphabetically. ;-) Best, ~Deesha Hi, Rick!

Thanks for being the first person (who isn’t a friend or loved one that I had to bribe) to comment on this site

And thanks for the link-love. Your site was the first on our blogroll, and not just alphabetically. ;-)

Best,
~Deesha

]]> Comment on Gimme a D-, Gimme an A-, Gimme a D- by Rick Ortiz http://coparenting101.org/2008/09/14/gimme-a-d-gimme-an-a-gimme-a-d/#comment-23 Rick Ortiz Mon, 15 Sep 2008 16:00:39 +0000 http://coparenting101.org/?p=113#comment-23 I found your post on my google alerts, read it and really enjoyed it. I was going to ask if I could post it on our site with a link back to you. Then I thought, maybe I'd ask if you'd consider linking back to us. I was very happy and surprised to see that you already do. I will mention this post on my editor's blog. That video is great! Thanks, Rick I found your post on my google alerts, read it and really enjoyed it. I was going to ask if I could post it on our site with a link back to you. Then I thought, maybe I’d ask if you’d consider linking back to us.

I was very happy and surprised to see that you already do. I will mention this post on my editor’s blog. That video is great!

Thanks,
Rick

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